LIVE THE DREAM

elcuinerfoll:

probocant
a-collection-of-failures:

G0d works in mysterious ways to keep you buried.  I no longer have the will to dig myself out.
04/28/2014 - Smelled like fresh pepperoni pizza when I was walking to work this morning.  It smelled like fried chicken when I was walking to the bus stop this afternoon.  I pass many restaurants during my commute.-Working and living where I do, compounded with finishing Serpico, I become more distrustful of the police every passing day.-I understand why black men don’t like black women as much as other women.  Pushy is an understatement.
05/02/2014 - Animal Farm should become mandatory reading for all high-school students.  Such a great book that will always be relevant.
Some people have “IT” and other people don’t.  “IT” is hard to understand and explain.  But regardless of whether or not you have “IT,” you know of “IT” and know it is not something that is obtainable.I don’t have “IT.” Never had and never will.
04/30/2014 - Listening to CDs and watching DVDs.  Am I going backwards in technology?  Have CDs become the new vinyl?
05/04/2014 - Gave up on expressing my love.  Deleted a poem I’ve been working on for months.  It was meant to be a birthday gift in late June.  She wants to hear that stuff from other people, not me.  Don’t care.  Instead of love, I shall express my hate.  Wait, hate is not a strong enough word.  Revenge?I would rather be torn apart by hate than stuck in depression.  I owe much to hate because it was the only one who offered to take me in, permitting me to survive.  It may lead to a short life but I don’t have a single reason to live a long one.
05/05/2014 - “Reduced speed,” according to the MTA, means not moving.I prefer the bootleg version more than the original one.05/07/2014 - I left the house early because the news said the E and were running local.  I caught the 7:10 E and ended up getting to work the same time I normally do if I get the 7:30 E and everything runs as usual.  As a side note, the early bus had more people than the bus that comes after it.
05/08/2014 - The bus wasn’t going slow because it is ahead of schedule.  How can it be ahead of schedule if it was over 20 minutes late picking us up?  It was going slow so that it’s timing matches the schedule of the bus that comes after it, thus giving the appearance that it is on time.05/09/2014 - What are the chances of getting the same slow-ass bus driver back-to-back at different times of different days.  He was still late and drove slower than electric bicycles.  Seriously, there was an electric bicycle delivery guy who was going faster than us while still obeying the rules of the road.-Took my mommy to IHOP for an early Mother’s Day celebration.  We love going there and trying the new stuff and seeing all the babies.
05/12/2014 - Saw the one person I never want to see ever.  The one person who single-handedly ruined 2013 and drilled into my head that I am a loser, unwanted, undesirable, unlovable.  And I saw her during the morning commute.  Once I saw her I felt cold, wanted to go home, crawl into bed, wrap myself in blankets even though it was about 80 degrees here, and drink whiskey so that my throat and insides burn. Work could not end fast enough for me, having drank 3 large cups of coffee just to keep myself from leaving.Hopelessness is a very cold feeling, colder than being under the AC.  I just want to disappear, leaving NYC and everybody behind. Cease being.
05/14/2014 - Finished the first Wallander book, Faceless Killers.  Having read the books out of order makes things feel weird in the development areas, i.e., characters’ and writer’s.-Every woman I wanted to be involved with romantically or had a crush on all ended up with the same kind of guy.  Funny how women say they don’t have a type and yet 5 completely different girls are either married or dating the same guy.
05/17/2014 - Arsenal ended their trophy drought, a drought that could have ended years ago in the 2006 Champions League and the 2007 or 2011 League Cups, which Arsenal lost to a relegated team.  Arsenal manages to always fall short, often choking/stumbling in the beginning of semifinal or final matches so that they have to play catchup.  Arsenal is not good at playing catchup.  This is especially true because Arsenal does not have world-class strikers (one is never enough).  If you need proof, look at this game, they were behind 2-0 in less than ten minutes and almost blew the lead with about five minutes left.  Arsenal was lucky to win the FA Cup.  Arsenal is a good team but they won’t become a world-class team that strikes fear among the elite, e.g., Real Madrid and Chelsea, until Arsenal obtains better players, both offence and defence.Regardless, Arsenal won and this fan is glad.  Will the team repeat it, who knows.  Arsenal is the Mets of the EPL except that Arsenal is usually in the top four while the Mets are usually at the bottom.
05/19/2014 - The worst morning commute so far.  The bus was over 20 minutes late.  When it did arrive, it wasn’t one but four buses, the last two were a couples of minutes apart from each other.  I was lucky enough to get on the bus that ended up stopping at so many stops people usually don’t off at.I caught the E which posted that it was going to make F stops, then E local which it did, then it ran it usual express.  But for whatever reasons, it was stopping in the middle of tunnels.  Of course there were the usual excuses of train traffic and dispatcher bullsh!t.Being in a subway for about over an hour and ten minutes wouldn’t have been bad except that the car I was in had way too many PDAing couples and attractive people for a Monday morning.  I picked the wrong day not to bring my book and, instead, listen to my “Learn Conversational Spanish” tapes.  There was one thing that caught my attention, besides the young and attractive females who depressed me.  There was an old Asian guy with an MD (mini disc) player hooked up with Apple ear-buds.  I haven’t seen an MD player in about a decade.  That was a nice blast from the past.-Oh, I saw a teenager with a Grant Hill Trapper Keeper! Memories suck!
05/21/2014 - Another bad commute, both morning and evening.  Was the E train scheduled/planned to suck more so than usual starting this week or something?

“Your blood is no good to me if you’re dead.” -“The German” aka Dolph Lundgren from The Package

05/30/2014 - Nowhere to go, no one to go with. Past, present, future.Knowing that I was going to work in Manhattan, I knew I was going to bump into people from my past.  This week I bumped into two, a former friend, an acquaintance from high-school whose name I cannot remember, and an “ex,” which was today.  Before I bumped into them I ran into another former friend and the girl who ruined 2013 and made me quit on love and go back to hate.
06/01/2014 - Though there is a clock on computers, I instinctively look to my alarm clock next to the bookshelf.
06/03/2014 - Thoughts while in the lavatory:
Does one need love if one will never be loved?
What’s the difference between “You’re a loser that no girl will ever love” and “You deserve better”?  The former is truthful and, thus, less hurtful since it isn’t a cop-out.
Is the soap dispenser in the lavatory actually dispensing soap?
Is the 2nd child always cursed? I’m tired of winning minor skirmishes.  Why can’t I win major battles and, finally, the war?
I thought PetSematary would be better.
TV sucks during pledge time and after season/series finales.
What happened to spring?
I had way too many thoughts on 06/03/2014 or spent way too much time in the lavatories today.
06/09/2014 - Women only have eyes for white guys.
06/11/2014 but ongoing - Feeling angry, depressed, discouraged, abandoned, hopeless, and hate.  I sleep on the floor more often because that is where I feel like I belong, with the dirt.  Cold showers are fine with me because I feel cold inside and out.  Warm water burns.  I haven’t gone out since Feb. and that was only too see a movie with someone who has spoken with me since, pretty much, then.  As for going out for a long walk and some shopping or exploring, that hasn’t been done since last year about.-2013 really f^cked me up and I am unable to recover.  As much as I need help I know, though, that it will never come.  Stronger ℞ help was suggested.  I think I am beyond that, beyond repair.  The only ones who offered to help are also the first and only ones who took me in.  While they may be bad people, how bad can they really be if they take me?
06/13/2014 - Why am I ugly?  Is it because you humans deem me to be, through your acts or words, ugly?  Or, is it because I have come to believe that I am ugly because of you?
06/14/2014 - Gave up apt hunting until I have a reason to buy a house/condo, i.e., a better paying job or a significant other.  Since neither one of those will ever happen to me, it looks like I’ll be renting to the end.
06/17/2014 - Always too late for the good ones.  But, unwanted by all.  Whatever.

I don’t recognise myself, he thought.  My eyes are those of another person.  The man who hid under the cloth fired a shot at me that reminded me of when Kiko had his head blown to bits.I’m dead to.I just haven’t noticed it yet.-narration for Molo, from Daniel by Henning Mankell

06/21/2014 - I can’t remember my age.  It no longer has any significance because I am old.  What is the point in remembering it?  If you have a future then I can see why knowing one’s age is relevant.  When you have no future, age, like time, have no relevance since you are counting down to the end. 
06/22/2014 - Woke up at 6:30am today.  That is the latest I have slept to in at least over 6 months.  Even when I was leaving for work at 6:30am and coming home around 10:30pm for a week I did not oversleep at all that weekend.  Strange.
Birth-to-Death - Nothing good ever happens to me. :-(
06/23/2014 - Why are some veterans of the modern military (about a few years after the first Gulf-War) such whiny pussies who think they are entitled to everything and must be handled with kid-gloves because they are easily offended?  Funny that he has no problem bragging about what he did or trying to get sympathy when he tells of other stuff, i.e., a friend getting killed not while serving but a regular accident in the US.  Are female veterans like this guy?  I haven’t come across any female veterans but they could be less inclined to tell others about themselves unlike some male veterans.  Difference between the genders/sexes?
06/25/2014 - A married man at least 7 years older is more desirable than me.  Got another one of g0d’s helpful reminders today.
06/28/2014 - Got my mom convince that I am cursed.  That didn’t take long.  The 2nd born are usually cursed.
06/29/2014 - I woke up at 7:06am today.  Better than waking up at 4:47 the day before.

elcuinerfoll:

probocant

a-collection-of-failures:

G0d works in mysterious ways to keep you buried.  I no longer have the will to dig myself out.

04/28/2014 - Smelled like fresh pepperoni pizza when I was walking to work this morning.  It smelled like fried chicken when I was walking to the bus stop this afternoon.  I pass many restaurants during my commute.
-Working and living where I do, compounded with finishing Serpico, I become more distrustful of the police every passing day.
-I understand why black men don’t like black women as much as other women.  Pushy is an understatement.

05/02/2014 - Animal Farm should become mandatory reading for all high-school students.  Such a great book that will always be relevant.

Some people have “IT” and other people don’t.  “IT” is hard to understand and explain.  But regardless of whether or not you have “IT,” you know of “IT” and know it is not something that is obtainable.
I don’t have “IT.” Never had and never will.

04/30/2014 - Listening to CDs and watching DVDs.  Am I going backwards in technology?  Have CDs become the new vinyl?

05/04/2014 - Gave up on expressing my love.  Deleted a poem I’ve been working on for months.  It was meant to be a birthday gift in late June.  She wants to hear that stuff from other people, not me.  Don’t care.  Instead of love, I shall express my hate.  Wait, hate is not a strong enough word.  Revenge?
I would rather be torn apart by hate than stuck in depression.  I owe much to hate because it was the only one who offered to take me in, permitting me to survive.  It may lead to a short life but I don’t have a single reason to live a long one.

05/05/2014 - “Reduced speed,” according to the MTA, means not moving.
I prefer the bootleg version more than the original one.
05/07/2014 - I left the house early because the news said the E and were running local.  I caught the 7:10 E and ended up getting to work the same time I normally do if I get the 7:30 E and everything runs as usual.  As a side note, the early bus had more people than the bus that comes after it.

05/08/2014 - The bus wasn’t going slow because it is ahead of schedule.  How can it be ahead of schedule if it was over 20 minutes late picking us up?  It was going slow so that it’s timing matches the schedule of the bus that comes after it, thus giving the appearance that it is on time.
05/09/2014 - What are the chances of getting the same slow-ass bus driver back-to-back at different times of different days.  He was still late and drove slower than electric bicycles.  Seriously, there was an electric bicycle delivery guy who was going faster than us while still obeying the rules of the road.
-Took my mommy to IHOP for an early Mother’s Day celebration.  We love going there and trying the new stuff and seeing all the babies.

05/12/2014 - Saw the one person I never want to see ever.  The one person who single-handedly ruined 2013 and drilled into my head that I am a loser, unwanted, undesirable, unlovable.  And I saw her during the morning commute.  Once I saw her I felt cold, wanted to go home, crawl into bed, wrap myself in blankets even though it was about 80 degrees here, and drink whiskey so that my throat and insides burn. Work could not end fast enough for me, having drank 3 large cups of coffee just to keep myself from leaving.
Hopelessness is a very cold feeling, colder than being under the AC.  I just want to disappear, leaving NYC and everybody behind. Cease being.

05/14/2014 - Finished the first Wallander book, Faceless Killers.  Having read the books out of order makes things feel weird in the development areas, i.e., characters’ and writer’s.
-Every woman I wanted to be involved with romantically or had a crush on all ended up with the same kind of guy.  Funny how women say they don’t have a type and yet 5 completely different girls are either married or dating the same guy.

05/17/2014 - Arsenal ended their trophy drought, a drought that could have ended years ago in the 2006 Champions League and the 2007 or 2011 League Cups, which Arsenal lost to a relegated team.  Arsenal manages to always fall short, often choking/stumbling in the beginning of semifinal or final matches so that they have to play catchup.  Arsenal is not good at playing catchup.  This is especially true because Arsenal does not have world-class strikers (one is never enough).  If you need proof, look at this game, they were behind 2-0 in less than ten minutes and almost blew the lead with about five minutes left.  Arsenal was lucky to win the FA Cup.  Arsenal is a good team but they won’t become a world-class team that strikes fear among the elite, e.g., Real Madrid and Chelsea, until Arsenal obtains better players, both offence and defence.
Regardless, Arsenal won and this fan is glad.  Will the team repeat it, who knows.  Arsenal is the Mets of the EPL except that Arsenal is usually in the top four while the Mets are usually at the bottom.

05/19/2014 - The worst morning commute so far.  The bus was over 20 minutes late.  When it did arrive, it wasn’t one but four buses, the last two were a couples of minutes apart from each other.  I was lucky enough to get on the bus that ended up stopping at so many stops people usually don’t off at.
I caught the E which posted that it was going to make F stops, then E local which it did, then it ran it usual express.  But for whatever reasons, it was stopping in the middle of tunnels.  Of course there were the usual excuses of train traffic and dispatcher bullsh!t.
Being in a subway for about over an hour and ten minutes wouldn’t have been bad except that the car I was in had way too many PDAing couples and attractive people for a Monday morning.  I picked the wrong day not to bring my book and, instead, listen to my “Learn Conversational Spanish” tapes.  There was one thing that caught my attention, besides the young and attractive females who depressed me.  There was an old Asian guy with an MD (mini disc) player hooked up with Apple ear-buds.  I haven’t seen an MD player in about a decade.  That was a nice blast from the past.
-Oh, I saw a teenager with a Grant Hill Trapper Keeper! Memories suck!

05/21/2014 - Another bad commute, both morning and evening.  Was the E train scheduled/planned to suck more so than usual starting this week or something?

Your blood is no good to me if you’re dead.” -“The German” aka Dolph Lundgren from The Package

05/30/2014 - Nowhere to go, no one to go with. Past, present, future.
Knowing that I was going to work in Manhattan, I knew I was going to bump into people from my past.  This week I bumped into two, a former friend, an acquaintance from high-school whose name I cannot remember, and an “ex,” which was today.  Before I bumped into them I ran into another former friend and the girl who ruined 2013 and made me quit on love and go back to hate.

06/01/2014 - Though there is a clock on computers, I instinctively look to my alarm clock next to the bookshelf.

06/03/2014 - Thoughts while in the lavatory:

  • Does one need love if one will never be loved?
  • What’s the difference between “You’re a loser that no girl will ever love” and “You deserve better”?  The former is truthful and, thus, less hurtful since it isn’t a cop-out.
  • Is the soap dispenser in the lavatory actually dispensing soap?
  • Is the 2nd child always cursed? I’m tired of winning minor skirmishes.  Why can’t I win major battles and, finally, the war?
  • I thought PetSematary would be better.
  • TV sucks during pledge time and after season/series finales.
  • What happened to spring?

I had way too many thoughts on 06/03/2014 or spent way too much time in the lavatories today.

06/09/2014 - Women only have eyes for white guys.

06/11/2014 but ongoing - Feeling angry, depressed, discouraged, abandoned, hopeless, and hate.  I sleep on the floor more often because that is where I feel like I belong, with the dirt.  Cold showers are fine with me because I feel cold inside and out.  Warm water burns.  I haven’t gone out since Feb. and that was only too see a movie with someone who has spoken with me since, pretty much, then.  As for going out for a long walk and some shopping or exploring, that hasn’t been done since last year about.
-2013 really f^cked me up and I am unable to recover.  As much as I need help I know, though, that it will never come.  Stronger ℞ help was suggested.  I think I am beyond that, beyond repair.  The only ones who offered to help are also the first and only ones who took me in.  While they may be bad people, how bad can they really be if they take me?

06/13/2014 - Why am I ugly?  Is it because you humans deem me to be, through your acts or words, ugly?  Or, is it because I have come to believe that I am ugly because of you?

06/14/2014 - Gave up apt hunting until I have a reason to buy a house/condo, i.e., a better paying job or a significant other.  Since neither one of those will ever happen to me, it looks like I’ll be renting to the end.

06/17/2014 - Always too late for the good ones.  But, unwanted by all.  Whatever.

I don’t recognise myself, he thought.  My eyes are those of another person.  The man who hid under the cloth fired a shot at me that reminded me of when Kiko had his head blown to bits.
I’m dead to.
I just haven’t noticed it yet.
-narration for Molo, from Daniel by Henning Mankell

06/21/2014 - I can’t remember my age.  It no longer has any significance because I am old.  What is the point in remembering it?  If you have a future then I can see why knowing one’s age is relevant.  When you have no future, age, like time, have no relevance since you are counting down to the end. 

06/22/2014 - Woke up at 6:30am today.  That is the latest I have slept to in at least over 6 months.  Even when I was leaving for work at 6:30am and coming home around 10:30pm for a week I did not oversleep at all that weekend.  Strange.

Birth-to-Death - Nothing good ever happens to me. :-(

06/23/2014 - Why are some veterans of the modern military (about a few years after the first Gulf-War) such whiny pussies who think they are entitled to everything and must be handled with kid-gloves because they are easily offended?  Funny that he has no problem bragging about what he did or trying to get sympathy when he tells of other stuff, i.e., a friend getting killed not while serving but a regular accident in the US.  Are female veterans like this guy?  I haven’t come across any female veterans but they could be less inclined to tell others about themselves unlike some male veterans.  Difference between the genders/sexes?

06/25/2014 - A married man at least 7 years older is more desirable than me.  Got another one of g0d’s helpful reminders today.

06/28/2014 - Got my mom convince that I am cursed.  That didn’t take long.  The 2nd born are usually cursed.

06/29/2014 - I woke up at 7:06am today.  Better than waking up at 4:47 the day before.

picsnvids:

She sucks and rides his cock.
2038

(Source: eatpussylivehappy2)